What Are You Afraid Of?

The past two weeks I have been fighting an inward battle. There have been hurtful events this year that have caused emotions to rise up from deep within that I'd rather suppress. I'd rather act like they weren't there because the honest truth is - they are ugly and foul and not very becoming. I've tried ignoring them. I've tried covering them up with a smile. I've tried pretending the events never happened. But they did and the emotions are real.

And so this week, God in all His wisdom uncovered them. He slowly started at the edge of the band-aid....and then ripped it off! It started with a question from my mother and ended with me vehemently spewing words of anger and bitterness out of my mouth. I was shocked! I thought it was under control. I thought I had accepted this fate. I even prayed blessings for this one that caused a hurt so deep. Really, I should have been okay, right? And so I prayed some more. Then God brought another unsuspecting bystander along, who was simply making conversation. And I lost it. I unloaded a hurt on an innocent one. And so I was wrong. Very wrong. I was no okay.

So choosing a moment that was completely uncomfortable to me - choosing a moment where I was surrounded by many (by my standards) God spoke 5 simply words to me through Beth Moore. Beth overwhelms me with knowing what to say at exactly the right time. Her question was: What are you afraid of? (those are not the 5 words - hang in there with me) I sat there and pondered - what exactly am I afraid of? I knew it was something, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I've said it a million times when asked that question, but for whatever reason it had left me. And then she spoke the one nasty word - Failure. Fear of failing God. Fear of failing those around me. Fear of failing myself. I realized at that moment that the fear of failing someone had come to pass, but it didn't end there. I felt as if someone had failed me. Then He said it: "I will never fail you." And the dam broke. The tears I was holding back could be held back no more. They were streaming down my face. My nose was running. And the more I tried to hold back, the more the tears came. I was sobbing. I was broken. And God said, "But, My Love, I will not fail you." "Stop depending on people - and depend on me."

Joshua 1:9 Be strong and of good courage. Do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

How stubborn we are that we have to go through such heart wrenching moments to hear what our Father is saying? It really must just be me.