Diary of a Mad Massage Therapist Vol.3

Just a few more rules of spa etiquette. Apparently you people are needing a bit more assistance in knowing how to act in a spa.

9. Do not go get a massage with the smell of sex on you. Yes, you all know what I'm talking about. Do you really think I want to smell that? No I don't. How hard is it to take a shower? Go wash the stank off of ya before you come in my room. Seriously! Maybe I'm a bit jealous. Yes, but at least I'd have the decency to SHOWER before I went to get a massage.

10. Wash your hands after you use the bathroom. Do not expect me to massage your hands after you have wiped your ass. I don't want your urine and feces on my hands. Unless you want it to end up all over your face....take my advice. Wash your hands!

11. Do not come into my room after you have just gone outside and smoked. I don't need my room to reek of an ashtray. I don't rub a cigarette in your face....don't bring your cloud of smoke in my room.

12. All of us spa techs are so grateful for the gratuities you leave us, however if you plan on leaving anything less than $5, please don't bother. Anything less than $5 (and that is pushing it) is more of an insult than a "thank you". What we really want to do is hunt you down and put it back in your hand and say "Apparently you need this more than I do." I know what you're thinking.....this woman is an ungrateful bitch. Maybe so...but its the truth and I'm willing to bet my co-workers would all agree with me (trust me they would....we've all talked about this exact situation more times than we can count!)

Urine Treatment

Massage Therapist: Is there anything I need to be awareful healthwise?

Client: Is that a fever blister on your lip?

Massage Therapist: Ummm...Yes.

Client: Are your hands clean?

Massage Therapist: (No, I haven't washed them for days. WHAT?!?!) Yes ma'am they are.

Client: Well you know I get them too, but they are highly contagious.

Massage Therapist: Well if it'll make you feel better I'll wash my hands AGAIN when I come back in the room.

Okay, let me give you a bit of background on this lady. As I called for her she was just coming from the ladies room. She nearly forgot to wash her hands, but then remembered. Her version of washing her hands is turning on the water, letting her hands run underneath for five seconds (without soap no doubt) and then turns the water off without using a paper towel to touch the handle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Needless to say I did not massage her hands, although I should have and then given her a face massage and asked her how she liked the new urine treatment.

Did she think I was going kiss her on the lips....either pair? I mean seriously....the entire six years I've been a therapist I have NEVER been asked something so rude. Do these people think I'm their freakin' slave and they can talk to me any way they choose? I don't think so!

I'm hoping that this lady comes across my blog by chance. I hope she sees her stupidity. I hope chokes on her spit as she swallows.

Sleep:

the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored.

And that is what I did last night. YAY! I slept. I got rest. The powers of my body are restored! HA! That part is funny.

Yesterday I actually ended up "calling out" from work. There was just absolutely no way I could have gone to work. That little disclaimer I put on yesterday's blog would NOT have worked on my behalf had I ended up raking someone over the coals for looking at me wrong, asking me if my hands hurt doing massage, asking me where the lockers were, etc, etc, etc. So I did what anyone else would do. I spent half the day lounging around obsessing over this years Presidential Election and then went out to lunch where my best friend and I were not so thrilled with the food - thus wasting money (Seriously people. Haven't you heard we're in an economic crisis here. The least you could do is offer GOOD food for the money we shell out.) Then went to Books a Mirrion(Million for you little people outside of my world) and bought the new Nicolas Sparks book. Yeah, I'm in love with him. I'll admit it. His wife doesn't know yet so *shhhh*. Then I come home to take a Chemistry test which I completely bombed. And ended the day having a "fight" with my lovely (ex)realtor - the Beauty Queen. Seriously - I think she lost the memo telling her she works for me not the other way around. So all in all. It was a good day!

I pray my "sleep - the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored" is going to do me some good today. Wish me well on my massaging endeavors.

P.S. I'm thinking of having an affair with Webster too!
(okay for those of you who do not know who "Webster" is, just go to http://www.webster.com/ to find out.

Diary of a Mad Massage Therapist Vol.2

Today was a really tough day at work. I probably lost my witness a few more times than I should have. But not only am I completely sick of massage....I'm also sick of people. People can say and do the stupidest things (yes I'm people too - I know I know). I know that's not an excuse to lose my witness, but I figured I'd use this time to add a few more rules of spa etiquette while I have them on the brain and ask God for forgiveness. Maybe you can prevent someone from losing their witness one day!

5. Do not, by any circumstances ever ask a massage therapist if their hands ever get tired. Even though they may laugh and say "Oh sometimes, but you get used to it" what they really wants to say is "YOU STUPID *&%$@! +*#%&@ of course my hands get tired. What are you going to do if I say 'why yes...they get tired all the time. As a matter of fact they are tired right now...so I'm going to stop this massage'". *sigh* Okay I feel better. Just take it from me...never ever ask that moronic question.

6. If you are a spa attendant please don't act like you are twelve years old and talk to the guest like this..."Yo Yo Yo here's a robe so get undressed and chill." I dare spit in your general direction.

7. If you are a spa manager/supervisor/dictator - oopps - director please don't take all the product and store it so far away from the spa hallway that it cuts into a guest's service. I know you enjoy micro-managing from your lovely desk and comfortable chair, but it really is about the guest. I can say this because I HAVE BEEN A SPA SUPERVISOR!!!!

8. If you schedule a Brazilian thinking that is the ethnicity of your therapist...you're sadly mistaken. You might as well not even show up for your service and let them bill you for your ignorance.

I'm really beginning to wonder if I need to write my own little spa etiquette book. I think the world really needs to hear these rules from my perspective!!!! What do you think?

Diary of a Mad Massage Therapist Vol.1

Every once in a while (more like once an hour) I come across a few things that I'd like to shout at people while working as a massage therapist in such a lovely spa that is ranked in the top 25 of the United States. You'd think people would take us more seriously (HA HA HA)!!! Obviously not. Here are few things that come to mind.

1. Really? Is it completely necessary for someone to hold you by the hand and make sure you make it to your appointment on time. I've reserved your time for you and no one else. All you have to do is show up. ON TIME!!!! Get it together people!

2. Did you just walk 500 miles without shoes? Would YOU want to touch someone's feet that looked like sin itself?

3. Should I have to ask you to take a shower after being in a hot tub or steam room for 20 minutes? Do you know the number of skin cells that are floating on top of that water? Don't you know that the steam is just a breeding ground for bacteria? Did you even graduate high school?

4. Why are you asking me where the lockers are when you just walked past them? We haven't painted them in a camoflouge. It shouldn't be that difficult. They all have this little lock that you put your key in and voila! it opens!!! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Those are just a few of the things that come to mind. I'm sure there will be more to come. Perhaps tomorrow!