What If...

we could stay in the fifth grade?

I still remember Mrs. Lewis's class like it was yesterday. I remember playing "Around the World" in math class wondering how some people's minds can think so quickly. I remember the day my "friend" stabbed me in the knee with her pencil. I still have the lead mark to prove it. I remember playing tetherball thinking I was "the shit", but I would not dare say "the shit" back then. And I remember being "Good Grade Buddies" with Joshua Rogers. Yeah, "Good Grade Buddy" was code for "lets cheat and make sure we end up making the same grade"!!!! For shame! I know your name!

Even though I'm 29 and have a car, have a great job, have bills and a mortgage I still see myself as being in the fifth grade. Why is that? I have no idea. I'm sure I need to talk to someone about this but I think its partly pretty innocent. It was a safer time. I can't say I was EVER carefree, however I don't remember worrying about where I should live and what I should do with the rest of my life. I lived each day for that day and that day alone. How much more do you think we would all accomplish if we did that now? I don't mean mind blowing accomplishments, but the things that actually matter - like reaching out to that person sitting at a table by him/herself. Stopping to pick up that person at the bus stop that you work with even though you don't know her. Giving the homeless person $5 even though you think they will buy alcohol with it. Loving those people in our lives for who they are regardless of what they do for us. Hummm.

Just wondering - What if?

Imaginary Friends

So I just finished a book by Cecelia Ahern called If You Could See Me Now. I won't go into grave detail about the book. You'll just have to read it for yourself. However, I will tell you that it talks a bit about Imaginary Friends and how they help you along your way. Some say imaginary friends are actually a good thing. It's a sign that your imagination is growing. This kind of troubles me because - well - I never had one. I knew I never had a huge imagination growing up and it makes me a bit sad when I really think of it. I mean I had tea parties...but I actually had tea! Why would I just imagine to have tea when my mother made tea nearly everyday and I could just get some for my little tea cups for me and my friends? It never crossed my mind that it might actually be fun to "play" like I had tea in my tea cup.

And then it makes me wonder if my social skills would have been a bit better. Anyone who really knows me is well aware that I have some kind of social anxiety disorder. Yes, of course I can get in front of a crowd of 100 or more and sing until my heart is content. But put me in a group of 3 or more and I completely shut down. I love the idea of having people over to my house, but when they actually get there I tend to hide or make my way out to the grill and let my best friend do all the socializing. She hates me for this - I'm well aware. However, it's just the way it is. I can't help it. I've tried to be better at socializing, but I try in vain. I'm just better one on one. But if I would have had an imaginary friend would this anxiety be gone?

I don't know the answer to these questions really. I'm proud of who I am and how I turned out. The fact of the matter is...had I had an imaginary friend, I probably would have turned out a little differently. And well, that just isn't possible. I am who I am. I'm who God made me to be.

So to those of you who have or had imaginary friends I wish you well on your incredible journey. And to those of you like myself, chin up - we're on our own way!

Aquarium of the Americas New Orleans and Biloxi Beach

Paul B. Johnson with Family

Ryan and Jordyn

This weekend my brother, sister-in-law, Ryan and Jordyn came into town. Here are a few recent pictures. Enjoy!

Recipe for Amish Friendship Bread

For those of you interested in making the Friendship Bread and sharing with your friends, I've found the recipe to make the starter and the bread. You'll probably want to type up the instructions for Day 1 - Day 10 to give to the friends you give starters to. Also this says that a glass jar or bowl is best to be used but I prefer the zip lock bags. This makes it easier to give away and you can also write the date on the bag. Hope you and your friends enjoy!

Ingredients:
***Starter***
1 tablespoon Active Dry Yeast
2 cups Warm Water -- (110 degrees)
1 cup Flour
1 cup Sugar
1 cup Milk
***To Make Bread***
1 cup Vegetable Oil
1 cup Sugar
2 cups Flour
3 Eggs
1 small Vanilla Pudding Mix -- Instant
1 teaspoon Cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon Salt
1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda
1/4 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/2 cup Milk
***Cinnamon Sugar***
1 cup Sugar
2 tablespoons Cinnamon

(My recipe did not call for the salt, baking soda or baking powder. If you'd like to use it go ahead, but it is to die for without!)


Directions:

For Starter: Dissolve yeast in 1/2 cup of the warm water in a deep glass or plastic container. Stir in remaining warm water, flour and sugar.

Beat until smooth. Cover. (A large glass jar or bowl with a tight fitting lid works best for this, but a 1/2 gallon zip lock baggie can also be used).

Because your first batch of starter contains fresh yeast, you can skip the next set of directions and go directly to the instructions for splitting your start.

Do not refrigerate! Do not stir with a metal spoon! The starter requires 10 days for fermentation. If you use a zip lock baggie make sure you let the air out each day.

Day 1- Begin or receive starter Day 2- Stir with wooden spoon (or squish baggie) Day 3- Stir with wooden spoon (or squish baggie) Day 4- Stir with wooden spoon (or squish baggie) Day 5- Add 1 cup sugar, 1 cup flour, 1 cup milk Day 6- Stir with wooden spoon (or squish baggie) Day 7- Stir with wooden spoon (or squish baggie) Day 8- Do Nothing Day 9- Do Nothing Day 10- Add 1 cup sugar, 1 cup flour, 1 cup milk

Day 10 is when you actually split the starter to give away and begin making your bread.

Put 1 cup of starter in each of three containers. Give 2 away to friends and keep one. This will begin their Day 1.

For Bread: You will have about 1 cup of batter left (besides the 1 cup you have saved for yourself). To the remaining batter add vegetable oil, sugar, flour, baking powder, baking soda, eggs, milk, vanilla pudding mix, cinnamon, and salt. Beat until well blended. Add one cup raisins, chocolate chips or nuts, if desired.

Grease 2 loaf pans well, and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar, coating bottom well. Turn batter into pans, and sprinkle remaining cinnamon sugar onto tops of loaves. Bake at 325F degrees for one hour.


This recipe from CDKitchen for Amish Friendship Bread Starter and Bread serves/makes 5 cups

Amish Friendship Bread

Last week my friend Suzie gave me the starter for Amish Friendship Bread. Today is the day to make it. The bread takes 10 days to ferment and be ready to bake. Throughout the 10 days you have to add ingredients and "mush" the bag before it is ready. Then on the 10th day you add more ingredients, make four new starters (three of which you give away to three of your friends), and the remaining batter is what you make the bread with (after you add even more ingredients). Anyway, so today is the day and I can't wait to taste the bread! Thanks Suzie for giving me something other to do than read. By the way - I've finished one more book since my last post. Something is really wrong with me!!!

My Eyes Are Bleeding

The past two weeks I've read four books. For those of you that read a book a night...shut up! Some of us have lives! Anyway....with this said, my eyes are bleeding and I think I need to take a break. I don't want to. You see I have this insanely obsessive personailty that when I start to do something and start to enjoy I just obsess over it. Right now its reading. I stay up until all hours of the night reading - devouring every word. Then I wake up just a tad bit early so I can read before I have to get up (not to mention obsess over what's happening while I'm sleeping!!!). Then I may or may not take my book to work and read in between clients while I'm changing my sheets. YES! I know! I'm insane! Once I'm home I casually walk in say a few words to my best friend - acting as if everything is calm in my head - and then go straight back to reading, trying not to trip over the piano on my way to my bedroom. Its as if its a drug. Once I read that first word - its just utter bliss. I'm high as a freakin' kite again. Why did it have to be reading? I mean why couldn't it have been working out or something. I really could stand to lose a ... few ... pounds. But it isn't. It's reading and my eyes are bleeding. So I think I'm going to try to not read tonight. I don't know though. I just started a new book and well I think it already has me under its spell. Wish me and my eyes luck!!! I'm gonna need it. (And, NO! I don't need to see a doctor so keep your suggestions to yourself!)

Purgatory

I feel as if I'm in Purgatory. Honestly I have no idea what purgatory is like since I'm not Catholic and do not believe in such - however - if I did I'm assuming this is how it feels. And well, I'm just way too depressed to think up anything else to write. Enjoy your weekend while I continue drifting along in Purgatory Mississippi.

Dream

Today I took a nap and woke up after a dream. The dream went something like this...I was sitting in a room with some man listening to praise and worship (huh? I know). After it was done the man started walking out of the room but stopped and knealt beside me and said, " The Lord wanted me to tell you something like either He has given you the desire to have a child or another child or something, but (I felt he gestured toward me implying I was getting older....like "times a' wastin'" - HOW DARE!!!), you have to move on though." And then he just walked out of the room. Really that quick.

Now I don't know what it is I need to let go of, but I have believed for some time that God is the One that put the desire in me to have a chld. I haven't always wanted one. Even today while in the store I started to think that maybe I really should reconsider that, watching all these moms pull their children by the arms telling them "I'm tired of this attitude" and "Quit throwing that down" and children screaming and throwing fits flailing their legs and arms about. Someone would have to be insane to really WANT that....or God must put it on their heart.

And so I sit here kind of awestruck that God even spoke to me in a dream, because I've been so completely desperate lately for even just one Word. With that said, please pray for me that I'm able to move on from whatever is holding me back in my life. Apparently time is wasting and it's waiting on me.

Resignation

I have resigned myself to the fact that my house is not going to sell. So I might as well suck it up and be happy about the fact that me and my little house can keep loving each other to pieces. I'll try to fix her up a bit more, while she brings me peace. (I'm sure my best friend will be thrilled since this means she will continue to be the constant helper in that daunting task of DIY projects....cheers!)

Happy Christian Birthday to ME!!!

Twenty-two years ago today I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I was at church camp and it was July 4th. The amazing thing was, after service that night we went outside and watched fireworks. It was the angels and God rejoicing I'd like to think...."Another one has accepted Me." Really it's such a honor that God desires our love as desperately as He does. Above all else He just wants us to totally abandon ourselves to Him. It's so simple yet we make it so difficult at times. I don't know why. But today I just wanted to say, Thank you Lord for totally giving Yourself to me. I love you and each day I pray You draw me closer to You. Happy Birthday US.

Beautiful Christian Sister

By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!


It's amazing how someone can put into words how so many of us feel. Today what stands out to me and really makes me gratful to be a child of God is "I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it."

Today has been a 'pressed day. I stayed in bed the entire day and didn't even think of showering until 10:00 p.m. I read an entire book that hit way too close to home for comfort, but it somehow helped to lift my mood. God always has a way of doing that through books with me. Regardless of what I think or anyone else thinks, God thinks I'm worth it....no matter what it is. He thinks I'm worth it. I'm worth it all. Somedays that's just easier to believe than others. Lord, thank you for reminding me today that I'm worth it all.

Just Reminding Myself....

Oh, the Places You'll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Sweet Spirit

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

So, I may have a contract on the house. Wouldn't you know it - the guy had to go into the hosptital right before he signed the contract. I'm told they acceptted my last offer, but still no contract. I'd like - for just once - things to go smoothly. I KNOW I need to have a bit of patience and I KNOW I need to trust that God's got this. I just hate the waiting game.

Praying

Someone made an offer on the house (very insulting offer to say the least). But I have counter-offered and am now just praying that God intervenes. Ultimately I want to be where and do what God wants me to do. If staying in the armpit of America is where He wants me, then I know deep down there has to be a reason for it. But I'm so far from happy here. Each day it seems as if there is yet another reason for me to leave. I had gotten to a place of contentment, but that has started to fade. Please pray for me today. God sees the big picture.

My House

Someone is coming to look at my house today. Though it saddens me that one day I'll be leaving my home behind, I feel as if I have to get out of this God forsaken place. Am I even alive anymore? Are you there? I'm fadin' fast!!!!! My best friend said, maybe we need to be praying a little more specific. And she's right. But honestly I don't know the specifics. Part of me wants to move back to Midland to be close to my family. It breaks my heart when I have to get off the phone with my neice and nephew. It breaks my heart when my mother tells me that Ryan is asking for Aunt Liberty.

But my logical side wonders if that's enough. And if so will I do well as a massage therapist in an area like Midland? I don't see too many spa and salons around there, and even fewer (okay so not a one!!!) resorts. I know money isn't everything. Happiness and family can sometimes make up for that. But how do you know what's right and what's not? I feel like I've prayed and prayed and prayed and .... okay you get the picture. But I'm hearing nothing. Am I not hearing anything or have I already gotten the answer? This ADHD brain of mine can't figure that out right now.

Hug O' War

Pondering Love

I've only loved....really loved a few people in my life. Each love was different. Fairytale love - yes I've experienced it. It was great and overwhelming. It was full of twists, turns, and surprises. Unassuming love. One things leads to another and you've been daitng the same person for hmmm....well, all of a sudden you realize, this person is pretty great - not what I expected, but pretty great. Convienent love - it happens. Have we not all had one? You know, the one where you are convienently alone, so is he/she and there you go. One day you realize there is something there that wasn't there in the beginning. And my treasured Unconditional love - you know who you are - you have been and will always be the greatest. And now I sit here and wonder about my "Love Song for No One". Is there another love out there? Not really sure. In today's society I wonder if it's all worth it. How many couples do you know that are TRULY happy? How many couples are willing to stick it out to the end? How many men/women have NOT cheated on their spouse? I'd love to say that love still happens, but I'm not really sure. And why is that? Why is it that only our elderly know the meaning of "in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, until death do us part." Have we as a society gotten SO wrapped up in the idea of love that we don't even know what it is? Hey, I'm wondering that about myself...no judgments here.

Philippians 1:6

Philippians 1:6 (Amplified Bible)
And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.

Do you ever wonder if you may have gotten off track? You wonder if that "thing" God spoke to your heart years ago isn't there anymore because of something you did or something you didn't do? Well, I'll be honest and raise my hand and say...Yes, that's me. I've moved on from places where God's plan for my life was a bit easier. Up until now, I had not been involved with the church like I used to be. Up until now I had put my voice and my worship on a shelf for no one to hear or see....the worst of all God. I can't tell you why. Maybe out of fear. Maybe out of being out of my comfort zone. But the TRUTH says He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. The good news is...hold on to your seat...we can't get in the way. My friend, get ahold of that like I am. LIBERTY.....YOU CAN'T GET IN GOD'S WAY!!!!!!!! Be set free! Allow God's love and grace and mercy to penetrate all your insecurities and be set free from your doubts...from your failures...FROM YOURSELF! The Word of God does NOT return void. It's there....whatever He spoke to you is STILL there. He WILL do what He said He will do. Trust Him. Believe Him. Open up your heart. My friend, you are not too far gone. You can't get in His way.

Always

How Great Is Our God

With All I Am

Lord You Are Good

Eileen's Baby Shower

Today was my friend, Eileen's Baby Shower. Here are a few pictures celebrating the soon birth of her baby boy.